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ways i've failed lately: *i tried too hard too early to gain back a friend that i'd already lost. she no longer speaks to me, and as far as i know no longer thinks of me. remember me? of course not. *i took off an entire semester from work so i could "focus" on my schedule of six classes. six goddamn classes. since then i've managed to drain my account by about $800-$1000 and i've dropped two of those classes, one simply because i was too lazy to do any work. one of them was a film class. ironic that my future major (bullshit) is in film studies. so, i sit around all day, lazy, lathargic, completely bored. this is what i took off of work for? what the fuck?!?! i look forward to house work, i like cleaning now. it gives me something to do, something other than the normal routine of not doing class work. *i've spent far too much time day-dreaming this semester. a little day-dreaming is healthy, but this is too much, believe me. *i started doing speed again after i promised myself i wouldn't. once again, let down by myself. *i made several personal vows not to do things. it took me less than three days to break every one of those vows. i have no confidence in myself anymore, i don't trust myself, i don't expect, nor do i want other people to trust me and if they do i think they're fools. i've made myself into a monster. *i'm overreacting to everything again. my emotions are beating me up again. imagination's running like a bull tied to a rock in a river. *i'm smoking too much again. *my personal hygiene sucks lately. other than the last one, these are all pretty serious. now, there are a few things i've done right. i guess. but those things are mainly collected into a single point in my life. how far is this going to get me? i always assumed i'd be dead before i was 20. maybe i'll be right. i hate you, future. bah humbug to you.
now
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