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four get out of jail free cards from the woodpecker… the hearts and diamonds bomb: take a deck of ordinary playing cards, the old-fashioned paper kind, cut out the red spots and soak them overnight like beans. alcohol is the best soaking solution, but ordinary tap water will suffice. plug one end of a short length of pipe. pack the soggy hearts and diamonds into the pipe. on pre-plastic playing cards, the red spots were printed with a diazo dye, a chemical that has an unstable, high-energy bond with nitrogen. so you’ve got some nitro, of sorts, now you’ll be needing glycerin. hand lotion will work nicely. glug a little lotion into the pipe. to activate the quasi-nitroglycerine, you’ll require potassium permanganate. that you can find in the snakebite section of any good first-aid chest. add a dash of the potassium permanganate and plug the other end of the pipe. heat the pipe. a direct flame is best, but simply laying the pipe atop a hot radiator will turn the trick. take cover! the woodpecker used a hearts and diamonds bomb to release himself from mcniel island the first time he was confined there. the draino reefer bomb: acquire a can of draino or any similar household product that contains a high concentration of lye. roll the draino in a length of aluminum foil, as if you were rolling a reefer. if you’re serious about wanting an explosion, you’ll have to submerge the reefer in water. in jail, the ideal place for submersion is a toilet tank. when wet lye reacts with aluminum, hydrogen is released in the form of gas. a spark will ignite it. taking cover is difficult with this kind of explosive. don’t lose your head. the jug band bomb: you’ll need gasoline for this one, but only a few drops. when bernard was on work detail washing the sheriff’s car, he siphoned enough through a drinking straw in five seconds to buy his way out of cody, wyoming, forever. squirt the gasoline drops into a clean jug, the glass type in which cider is sold. cap the jug and roll it around so that the inside is coated with the gasoline. let the gasoline evaporate. once again, you’ll be requiring a snake-bite kit for it’s supply of potassium permanganate (in this world, snakes take many forms, and if you aren’t adept at charming them, you must be prepared to counteract their venom). add a pinch of the p.p. and quickly recap the jug. roll the jug across the room with enough force so that it will break when it strikes the opposite wall. goodbye wall. this is a high explosive. the fruit loops and batshit bomb: a woodpecker original. sugar is an unstable chemical that loves to oxidize as passionately as sulfur does, and in much the same way. in preparing this dish, think of sugar as sulfur. the components of gunpowder are sulfur, carbon, and saltpeter. fruit loops, or any similar breakfast cereal, contains a good deal of sugar and carbon. (bernard endorses fruit loops for bombs. for his morning repast, he prefers wheaties with beer.) as for saltpeter (potassium nitrate), batshit is a perfect source. if batshit is unavailable, bird doo will do. the older the guano the better. aesthetic as well as pragmatic considerations make the fresh wet splat inadvisable. grind up the fruit loops. mix in the batshit thoroughly. when mixing fruit loops and batshit, don’t be surprised if you find the color attractive. in fact, you may end up with a clearer understanding of art and it’s origins. for that reason, this is the bomb recommended to reviewers and critics. place the mixture in a container and ignite it. gunpowder, contrary to what you might expect, is not much of a boomer. the fruit loops and batshit bomb won’t flatten any buildings, but it makes a marvelous amount of smoke. certainly it makes more smoke than a pack of camels…
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