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fear is dangerous. but neccesary to a degree. we all have these everyday fears running through our blood continuously. it's natural. "man i hope that guy doesn't follow me home", "it's dark down here, god don't let me see a spider", "man i hope a cop doesn't pull up beside me and see i have no pants on". i have one fear in-particular that courses through my brain continuously. well, let me start over. i like being alone. solitude is comforting to me, my brain and i holding conversations all the while. but there is a big difference between being left alone and simply being alone. i hate the idea of loneliness. i battle it a lot, feeling alone, even when there are people around who i know care. i still have my doubts and insecurities. bah. but i have this horrible thing that plays in my head. it tells me that i'll grow up and all the plans and dreams i've had about being a father will fail. i'll never have anyone to spend my life with, no one will want me, or worse they won't be able to stand me. and even if i do succeed in finding a love and creating a life i'll fail at being a father. understand that my life-long dream has been to father a child. a daughter. nothing else i've ever dreamed up or considered for my life has come close to exceeding the importance of this for me. i want to be a father, a real father. one that cares and is there when it counts, and even when it doesn't. i need to feel that unconditional love. i need to be better than my dad. i need this. but i have doubts. what if i turn out to be a horrible dad? what if i'm not there when she needs me? what if she hates me, tells me so? i would die inside. my heart would rip open and my soul would be mortally wounded. i'll never let that happen. never. there are plenty of people in the world who say depending on others makes you weak. well damnit, if so then i must be the weakest fucker in the history of mankind. i want this bad.
now
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