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holy crap it's been a long eighty-two days since last i updated. lots of things have happened, faithful d-landers. a few months ago i was visiting my friend in new york for our annual snail-fun festival. this festival is the celebration of all things good and lovely about snails. basically we just get trashed and do obscene and funny things with snails. have i driven the snail point home yet? on the third night, having drunk myself nearly retarded, i dropped my snail(lovingly named quagmire) off at the local snail sock-hop and proceeded to get another margarita. i fell in a hole! a big one! not watching where i was going i unwittingly walked myself straight into a blocked off construction area and fell in. well, i'll not waste time describing just how huge this hole was, i've already stated it was big, but i will say that by the time i stopped falling and hit land again i was completely sober. being a smoker i was handy with a lighter and found a small stick nearby. i tore part of my shirt and wrapped it around the stick, then lit it to make a semi-torch-type thing. how savvy am i? bearing my torch i explored this new area looking for a way back to my party. that was when i discovered the ancient sewer people. these were people that, like me, had stumbled into that damn hole from above. but they'd been there far longer than i and had mutated and grown and created a philosophy by which to live by. at first they were a tad mean to me, being an outsider and all. i think they actually meant to eat me, but once they got my shirt off everything stopped. they were all staring at my stuffed chicken tattoo. they began speaking jibberish, yadda yadda yadda, long story short it turns out that many years ago a blind seer spoke and told them that a visiter bearing an emblem of a stuffed chicken would come and bring them salvation. apparently that meant me. all i brought were cigarettes and thirty-two cents. they wanted the cash. they heralded me for bring the sacred thirty-two cents to them and sat me up on their throne. i was their lord! i commanded all in the sewer! until they realized that the tattoo on my arm was a temporary tattoo bought at the snail festival and that i was a phoney. so they hoisted me back up the hole i fell from, told me never to come back and to tell no one of my journey. oops! and here i am!! safe and sound. so when you ask yourselves why it's been so long since i've updated you can ease your mind by knowing the truth. for forty of the past eighty-two days since i've updated i've been the captive lord of an unruly lot of cannibal sewer people. honest.
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